On Killing Your Darlings
Mar. 20th, 2012 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sakon76I did it. I cut the opening scene, and the Alain-and-Bastian scene. The former I've fought with too long; it was easy. The latter still hurts.
The novel's new opening stands as follows:
It was not, Marin reflected, as if this was the first time she had been to the surface and to the shore. Not the first time she had experienced the twisting nausea of her body reshaping itself, her form changing like liquid poured from one container to another. Not the first time pain had knifed through her in the desperate moments where her body’s need for water to breathe changed to water drowning her and a need for air. No, none of this was new.
This was, however, the first time she stayed on the shore, alone, as her people left her behind. She stood watching as head after head closed their eyes and dipped below the water’s surface with barely a ripple. One by one spears sank with their bearers, until only the sunlight shimmered on the sea.
Does this read any better than my last attempt? Feedback appreciated.
The novel's new opening stands as follows:
It was not, Marin reflected, as if this was the first time she had been to the surface and to the shore. Not the first time she had experienced the twisting nausea of her body reshaping itself, her form changing like liquid poured from one container to another. Not the first time pain had knifed through her in the desperate moments where her body’s need for water to breathe changed to water drowning her and a need for air. No, none of this was new.
This was, however, the first time she stayed on the shore, alone, as her people left her behind. She stood watching as head after head closed their eyes and dipped below the water’s surface with barely a ripple. One by one spears sank with their bearers, until only the sunlight shimmered on the sea.
Does this read any better than my last attempt? Feedback appreciated.
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Date: 2012-03-21 06:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-21 01:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-21 03:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-21 06:30 pm (UTC)I'm not so keen on the 'Marin reflected' bit. Can you just leave that out? "It was not as if this was the first time she had been to the surface..." etc. I've read plenty of books where the name of the main character isn't revealed for a few sentences and it doesn't hurt them, and as it is that attribution feels a bit... out of place amidst the very personal feelings being described from a very personal viewpoint.
Does that make sense?