On Painful, Awkward Questions And How Not To Ask Them

[sakon76]

Frequently I field calls at work that run along the lines of "my family member has just died; what services do you offer and how much do they cost." Having a good phone voice and manner, I do my best to help and comfort the bereaved.

Sometimes, however, I get the calls that include information like "my brother is at the coroners'; it was a murder-suicide..." and am hit with a matter of particular delicacy. The coroners here in Orange County charge a $318 transportation/autopsy/release fee, which can be a nasty financial shock to a family not expecting it. So I disclose that fee whenever potential clients mention the coroners' office. But the coroners' office waives that fee for murder victims.

How, exactly, is one supposed to ask a grieving family, "so was he the murder or the suicide?" -_-;;

I went the waffly route and mentioned that there would likely be that fee, but that "sometimes the coroners waive it." And fortunately the gentleman on the phone didn't ask me for the conditions of that waivement.

Comments

[mmouse15.livejournal.com]

You have the tact of a saint...

[flybystardancer.livejournal.com]

Agreeing with Mouse! Wow.

[racerxmachina.livejournal.com]

Only had to do that once, when a colleague of a professor decided to catch up with him, two months after the professor died of cancer. It was heart-wrenching. Bless you for being kind.

[tainry.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. O.O

[tiamat1972.livejournal.com]

Yipe. Talk about awkward. What Mouse said.

[lotr-jedi.livejournal.com]

What right do officials have to pass a moral judgment on people, or on their families when they're already hurting so much? How can it be anything else, when they charge one family (ie: of the suicide-ee) and waive the fee for the other (ie: of the murder victim)? I agree with the general opinion out there that suicide is selfish, but still... But then again, officials and bureaucrats aren't paid for their sensitivity or empathy, are they? And that's not aimed at you, Sakon, just the system in general.

[sakon76.livejournal.com]

I believe (I am not sure about this; I have not asked the coroners) that the reasoning is something like the murder victim is the victim of a crime, and thus that their family should not have to pay for what is essentially a forensic investigation into a crime.

[lotr-jedi.livejournal.com]

Again, sorry about that. I used to think that people who called people who committed suicide selfish were just being judgmental and hypocritical, but I definately see your point about them not being victims in cases like this. Everyone suffers in such cases, except for the one who takes the easy way out instead of facing the consequences, morally and legally.

[lotr-jedi.livejournal.com]

Sorry about that rant. I tend to offload at the wrong moments (or onto the wrong people) and I have so many triggers for them. Feel free to ignore me.