What makes a good marriage?

[sakon76]

I'm in the only happy marriage in my six-person office. Which admittedly is not a huge pool, but hey. One is never married, one widowed, two divorced, and the other married but not in what I'd call a particularly happy (though also not abusive) way. Yesterday over lunch the married one and one of the divorcees and I ended up talking about what makes a good marriage, about how fights are resolved, about how (statistically) the thing couples argue about most often is money....

Wonderful Husband and I have been married six and a half years. I think in that time we've been actually mad at one another maybe twice? For maybe twenty minutes? Apparently this is astonishing. Part of it, I suspect, is that we are in fact highly compatible, but part of it is also that we talk things out before they become problems. The lines of communication are kept open, and while (as in all marriages) there are things we each do that irritate one another, we combine acceptance and discussion with gentle "carrot" methods to retrain the partner.

As far as finances go, it was something of a revelation to my married coworker that we have both joint accounts and personal ones. I kind of suspect this to be a generation gap (I am a couple decades younger than her), but to us it's always made sense. While we trust each other implicitly, it's good to have something of your own where you don't have to feel accountable to someone else. Freedom and commitment, each in their own measure.

Comments

[jeff-morris.livejournal.com]

Well, speaking as a 25-year veteran...

1) Communication. We have an agreement that disputes must be resolved before we go to sleep. It...generally...is kept. Mind you, the discussions may be heated, but both Red and I are very bull-headed and by God the other party will KNOW WHAT WE THINK!

Way back when Daughter was very young, we were debating something back and forth when she burst into tears and begged us not to divorce. We asked why, and it turns out that one of her teachers told the class that couples who argue end up divorced. We started laughing and assured her that it was when we WEREN'T talking that she should be worried.

2) Respect for each others' space and finances. We follow the Lazarus Long adage "See to it that she has her own desk...and keep your hands off it!" We've got the bills divided between us, and generally if one needs some $$$ and the other has some, we share.

3) Divorce, never. Murder, occasionally. :)

[kamiki-seto.livejournal.com]

I suspect the amount of fighting/getting mad at each other is something that's highly variable from successful marriage to successful marriage. (to a point, of course) We argue plenty - we're both VERY verbal people - but not to excess or even very often, and as Jeff noted, as long as we're actually TALKING, even if it's argument, we're actually OK. Arguing can be a successful, beneficial communication style for some couples, again, to a point and managed well.

We have separate joint accounts that we treat and respect as individual personal accounts. My paycheck goes into mine and his goes into his, we divide the bills, and loan each other money back and fourth as needed. This has worked rather well with the need to manage family finances across three states. The two-city marriage thing sucks, but we've made it work for the last five years out of 25 without any major issues or drama, so we must be doing something right. We considered individual personal accounts briefly, IIRC - I had some friends ask me why I didn't keep an account just for me - my reaction was 'too much work'. I tend to be about the practicality...which every now and then drives Jeff nuts. :-)

I figure we've lasted 25 years, survived a number of crises and raising The Spawn and the Omaha thing, and we're still crazy about each other, so we have to be doing something right. Every successful marriage works differently. We've got what works for us.

[gretsky1.livejournal.com]

Who knew you were so smart?

[sakon76.livejournal.com]

Um, you? I hope?