sakon76

Three Things About Sam
by K. Stonham
prereleased May 19th, 2011

(1) Sam likes smart girls. In fact, he unfailingly likes girls he thinks are smarter than he is. Hot bodies and gorgeous faces are, of course, a plus (he is a red-blooded young man, after all), but what it always comes back to is not the size of a girl's bra, but the size of her IQ.

This is not because he enjoys feeling stupid (he leaves that to the jocks), but because Samuel James Witwicky has realized early and instinctively a fundamental rule of the universe: smart is sexy.

(2) Sam will never once in his entire life do drugs. This statement should be qualified to exclude over the counter prescriptions, the various painkillers he ends up on when in a hospital or under Ratchet's tender care, and any number of Red Bull clones he consumes during finals weeks. But anything illegal, ranging from weed to excessive alcohol to the hard substances that make drug lords wealthy... quite simply, Sam doesn't see the appeal.

This distaste for chemical mutilation of his own body does not stem from being taken into the Pasadena police station and made to watch the "this is your brain on drugs" video by Officer Nimwit at age seventeen. Nor does it stem from his humiliating first day of college, watching his mother high as a kite from a doctored brownie. No, Sam's lack of interest in drugs comes from the simple fact that he doesn't need them.

When your car already talks back to you, you consort with aliens on a regular basis, and you've pretty much had to decide to roll with the wierdness the universe regularly dumps on you, mind-altering substances seem kind of redundant.

(3) Sam comes from a culture that praises the average. All men are created equal. Safety in numbers. Go with the crowd.

The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.

Despite this indoctination from birth, Sam also comes from a line of great men and women. His ancestors fill history books. Or, in some cases, write them. The fact that this fire has been muted in recent generations does not mean it does not still flow in his veins, or that his destiny would not have been shaped by it.

No matter what he had been taught to aspire to, or even had he lived in a world where he never came into contact with giant robotic aliens, Samuel James Witwicky would never have lived an ordinary life.