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Apr. 10th, 2003 10:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sakon76Hotel reservations for AX made.
Went to Baronial Council this evening. Acquired The Knowne World Handbook from our chatelaine, Osanna. Will have to see if I can trade hours with Nicole so that I can have Sunday the 27th off so that I may attend the Baronial Feast. Listened to Loreena McKennitt's "The Mummer's Dance" on the way back and realized I am depressed. I want someone in person to talk with or to give me a hug or something, dammit. Well, hopefully I'll sleep my depression off and be fine again in the morning.
I think part of why I'm depressed is that my inferiority complex is kicking in again. It's why I don't want to walk at my graduation ceremony. I don't want to have to get up in front of everyone after spending hours in the sun in a cap and gown I'll only wear twice. I just want the legitimacy the degree will confer upon me as a human being who has made an effort and been rewarded for it. Kind of like getting married. I am rapidly losing interest in the ceremony so long as I can just get married to Douglas and never have to live on a stupid separate continent from him again! The interest in the wedding ceremony, however, will probably come back after he's actually over here and I can hold him again. But my friends want to give me some kind of party or presents or something to celebrate my graduation. I don't want it. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I would like a nice laptop and am hoping my parents might give me one as a combination graduation-birtday present, since it's something I'm not likely to buy for myself as I already *have* a decent computer. But, really, if I examine that desire as well it fades away. What do I need it for? The times when I'm not in front of a computer to write? That's why notebooks and paper exist. Wishing I could make up my mind to be fully Buddhist or fully worldly.
I'm hoping to go up a day or two early for Fanime to visit my grandfather and perhaps see my aunts and uncles and cousins. Or, realistically, one aunt and uncle and their children. Maybe finally having a degree will make me feel like I'm on par with their family. My grandfather, I know, will be absolutely delighted for me regardless.
Anyhow. Late. Tired. Going to bed.
Went to Baronial Council this evening. Acquired The Knowne World Handbook from our chatelaine, Osanna. Will have to see if I can trade hours with Nicole so that I can have Sunday the 27th off so that I may attend the Baronial Feast. Listened to Loreena McKennitt's "The Mummer's Dance" on the way back and realized I am depressed. I want someone in person to talk with or to give me a hug or something, dammit. Well, hopefully I'll sleep my depression off and be fine again in the morning.
I think part of why I'm depressed is that my inferiority complex is kicking in again. It's why I don't want to walk at my graduation ceremony. I don't want to have to get up in front of everyone after spending hours in the sun in a cap and gown I'll only wear twice. I just want the legitimacy the degree will confer upon me as a human being who has made an effort and been rewarded for it. Kind of like getting married. I am rapidly losing interest in the ceremony so long as I can just get married to Douglas and never have to live on a stupid separate continent from him again! The interest in the wedding ceremony, however, will probably come back after he's actually over here and I can hold him again. But my friends want to give me some kind of party or presents or something to celebrate my graduation. I don't want it. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I would like a nice laptop and am hoping my parents might give me one as a combination graduation-birtday present, since it's something I'm not likely to buy for myself as I already *have* a decent computer. But, really, if I examine that desire as well it fades away. What do I need it for? The times when I'm not in front of a computer to write? That's why notebooks and paper exist. Wishing I could make up my mind to be fully Buddhist or fully worldly.
I'm hoping to go up a day or two early for Fanime to visit my grandfather and perhaps see my aunts and uncles and cousins. Or, realistically, one aunt and uncle and their children. Maybe finally having a degree will make me feel like I'm on par with their family. My grandfather, I know, will be absolutely delighted for me regardless.
Anyhow. Late. Tired. Going to bed.
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Date: 2003-04-11 07:53 am (UTC)But anyway, I wonder if maybe this might be a regular psychological reaction to graduation. It certainly doesn't mean that you haven't accomplished a lot - based on what you've said over time, your degree has taken a lot of perserverence and work, and you should be proud of yourself for that.